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Post by <> MetaWulf <> on Nov 2, 2014 21:21:40 GMT -5
Alright, Thorin. Let's have a look at Rose.
The first thing that jumps out at me is this: Rose Paxton has a lot of similarities with Rose of Sharon Cassidy and Catherine Fyre. So much that it doesn't feel very unique. Twin revolver wielding gunslinger cowgirl with blue eyes in a cowboy hat. There is alot of similarities, even their profile pictures.
Dual Weilding Revolvers. Earl doesn't do it, and Cat rarley does it. It takes a lot of skill to do this, and isnt really practical unless surrounded and outnumbered. Reloading two revolvers at once in near impossible. You can leave it in the profile, but keep it to a minimum in thread. ( In other words, please refrain from the john woo stuff )
I'll let GG touch on the Tull and Earl stuff, because it feels like your writing some of history for the both of them, but I would have to say it's unlikely the NCR would come in to a farm miles away from anything they want for no reason and attempt to strong arm it from a young orphaned girl. Her whole deal with the NCR thing just doesn't fit. I don't think the devils have been raiding that long either... but again, GG's can discuss that stuff...
Here's my other issue:
She doesn't have the training to be the kind of warrior she is written to be. "She's had to chase off critters almost her whole life, this leads to some pretty good skills." - chasing critters off a farm is not going to teach her the same skills as, say, Earl's crew and father or Cat's ranger family. In other words, she didn't learn to be a gunfighter by shooting molerats and radscorpions. Especially with her being relatively young and having little professional training. Who taught her hand-to-hand combat? That's not something farmers and poor ranchers typically know. Rose is too advanced of a gunslinger for her little experience and trainging, and she seems somewhat bland and too similar to Cat and Cass. Try to change her profile some, and think about different ways to make her history, skills, and equipment unique and less... OP.
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Post by GuardsGhost on Nov 2, 2014 21:33:08 GMT -5
I find myself in agreement with Meta. We spent a good ten, twenty minutes looking this over, so I can only reiterate what he's said above.
As for the timeline/Tull issues, I've spotted something that I didn't catch right away. It is extremely unlikely that there'd have been NCR troopers running around ransacking farms, stealing land from poor orphan girls, and kicking puppies in classic villain style at the time. Eleven years ago, the Oregon garrison would have been just that- a garrison, which means they'd have been fortified in Klamath and not really leaving it. Infact, they haven't even forcefully taken land from people yet to my knowledge. Mostly they've been causing trouble in the past year+ because of the tension between the Barons and the Ranchers, which until shortly ago in the storyline was kept relatively non-lethal until the murder of the Brahmin Baron.
A key point for the 'shock' factor of when the NCR did roll into Oregon proper, is because this was the first time they'd done so. This is what's brought the fighting to a head, and saying that there were NCR troopers running around forcefully confiscating things kinda destroys that 'shock' factor. Would have led to much earlier bloodshed.
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Post by <> MetaWulf <> on Nov 3, 2014 8:03:51 GMT -5
1. You should have made a new profile instead of rewriting over Rose Paxton's profile. It just makes it more confusing than needed with the comments below your profile still intact for Rose. Secondly, as the Rangers have not been reformed yet, you should probably wait to make a character for them so soon. Also, as Ghost and I have both said, we'd prefer it if the Desert Ranger's recruit most if not all members through the threads, not just by adding rangers to their ranks through submissions. 2. Read the Desert Ranger Guide. 3. The "Way of the Sixgun" is not a standard Desert Ranger thing. Carlos' father wouldn't have know the idea, because it's something that the Desert Ranger's never did before as a faction. Cat's Father Vigo, his brother Rico, and their small group of Rangers ( which included Earl's father and Jonas Hawkins ) practiced it among their group of Rangers before the unification as a kind of knightly ritual. Something to remind them of their own personal codes of conduct and the like. GG and I came up with the idea for the new desert rangers being gunslingers based on that idea and a series we are both huge fans of. So basically, Carlo's father might have trained him to use the big iron Sequoia, but that's not the same as the Way of the Sixgun... which is based off the Gunslinger's creed in the profile. At this point the only people known to still practice it and know it's ritualistic teachings are Cat, Earl, and Jonas. Please edit the literal Way of the Sixgun out of Carlos' profile. 4. I don't know how GG feels about it, but I'd prefer if you changed Carlos' relationship to the Ranger. The issue with Rose was that she felt bland and too similar to the would-be Ranger characters already playing in Oregon. Carlos falls right back into the same boat. Is it absolutely necessary that his father be a former original desert Ranger who taught him all his skills? Because that is pretty much exactly how Earl and Cat's father/skill relationship went. 5. " Carlos is very easily identified. He wears his Desert Ranger armor with pride, and the Sequoia at his hip has a talent in attracting eyes". - Desert Rangers, both origional, new, and NCR Rangers, don't just walk around alone showing off their armor and weapons. Rangers don't want to be seen until it's showtime. They operate behind the lines and in the shadows. Rangers are strategic, not like East Coast Brotherhood who walk the roads all day in full armor just looking for some ass to kick. I could go on, but I'll stop there for now. This profile seems like a rushed attempt to "have" a Desert Rangers character, and it has many issues. If you're dead set on keeping this profile, we can work through the issues one by one, but know that much will need changed. I would like GG's opinion on this too, as I'm sure he probably feels the same way.
There are plenty of other options, too. You could always make a dedicated but inexperienced devil to become a ranger with earl and the others... or you could make a current duty NCR Ranger. Maybe he desides to switch to the Desert Rangers after meeting up with them and seeing what their agenda will be? There are a lot of characters you could make that could team up with Earl, Bullseye, and Cat as the continue in Oregon. Desert Ranger submissions will be greatly scrutinized, especially "plug-n-play" ranger profiles, but besides that I know you are capable of making a much more unique and cool profile than this, Sal. Wait for GG's post, and we'll discuss what you would like to do afterwards. |
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Post by GuardsGhost on Nov 4, 2014 23:10:23 GMT -5
I can only reiterate what Meta said above in his post.
I'm going to go over the three points that I believe require some additional attention and reaffirmation.
1. Exactly what Meta said. The layout of this is very confusing since it was originally Rose Paxton, please don't do something like this again. Furthermore, this character has a very "I'm already a Ranger lemme in" vibe to him, and I would prefer if a bit was changed. Heck, you could even make him an -actual- NCR Ranger, and that'd be appropriate in this case.
4. I feel the same way as Meta does on this. This character suffers from the same thing that made Rose un approveable, is that he's just way too similar to the characters already in the thread and on their way to becoming Rangers. Except this guy has the entire "Trained and am a Ranger" thing going for him already. At the very least, the similarities/difference in him considering himself 'already a ranger', would probably make him very hard to get into the reformed Desert Rangers. Earl personally wouldn't trust a man who came over claiming he was something based on his armor.
5. Yeah, pretty much. If he's an actual Desert Ranger, he'd been trained to bust that stuff out only when he's ready for action. It's a -very- distinctive armor set.
Another thing I'd like to mention is the Ranger Sequoia. There is no way that he'd have one of those if he was not an NCR Veteran Ranger, or his father was. The weapons were not used by the Desert Rangers. Having him have one makes no sense based on his current history. The Sequoia's are more than just a weapon. They are symbols of status.
This character needs a lot of work done Sal.
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