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Post by Harrier on Jul 8, 2015 8:32:31 GMT -5
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Post by GuardsGhost on Jul 8, 2015 17:16:43 GMT -5
My main issue with this character is how much she's done at a young age, and I'm not too comfortable with the idea that the Omerta's allow children to be contract killers- particularly their own. From what we've seen, the Omerta's were created by House to fulfill the classic-mobster type situation, and I cannot see them allowing a twelve year old to go kill people for them. Particularly when the Omerta's would have no trouble finding other people to do that job for them. The Followers bit is okay, because they're naturally gullible. I'd suggest removing the bit about the Westside Militia, and just having her have joined up with the Crimson Caravan Company. She'd have realistically had enough time that way to work her way up the chain of command a bit to where she'd be handling something like funds, which is not a job she'd have gotten in a few months.
Second, with the faction she's pissed off she'd have a very hard time finding work on any Caravan. The Crimson Caravan company has deep pockets, and with the little reputation she's garnered there'd be really no groups willing to hire her. Somebody who embezzles funds and is a junkie might also shoot them in the back.
Finally, her rejoining the Omerta's I'm a bit iffy on as well. She talked smack about the Omerta's behind their back, and is now a known junkie who embezzles funds. Why would they hire her back for anything? Sure, you say they're not putting a lot of trust in her...but why accept her back period? She seems more like a liability than anything. So while I'd say I'm okay with her rejoining the Omerta's, she really wouldn't have that much of anything beyond what she scrounges for herself. She'd pretty much be being used by the Omerta's, exploiting either her chem addiction or just the fact that she's got pretty much nowhere else to go.
Basically, to sum it up. She's done too much for her age, and I'd prefer it if you bumped up the ages a bit to 15-16 for her first contract killing, 17 for her parents, and then 18-19 is when she was wandering about making a name for herself and getting herself into the Crimson Caravan Company, and then 20-21 when she got accepted back to the Omerta's.
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Post by Harrier on Jul 10, 2015 10:29:57 GMT -5
I appreciate the review. I went in and rewrote the history, made a bunch of changes. I didn't increase her age, but I restructured things to be a bit more believable (hopefully), and added a little more substance. Capitalized on the early psychological trauma, elaborated on her manipulations a bit, etc.
-(Age >15) Early history changed, added some depth to the relationship with her parents, bumped the age of first kill to 15, specified that the Omertas were unaware of what Beth's father was making her do. The killing of her parents now happens in the subsequent emotional aftermath of the first kill.
-(Age 15-16) The Followers history is changed. Beth now hides her identity, poses as a Freeside vagrant, and enters the Followers' care under false claims of wanting to get clean. This only lasted a few weeks. She leaves without a peep, and the thefts aren't attributed to her.
-(Age 16-17) The Westside Militia part remains, since it plays a crucial role for developing Beth's survival/combat skills. Remember, she was entirely sheltered until this point. She will spend roughly a year with the Militia before getting kicked to the curb.
-(Age 17-19) Modified Crimson Caravan history. Beth joins up at 17, flaunts her persuasive/seductive abilities, makes a bunch of sales, seduces the appropriate superiors, angles her way into a position to represent the Caravan in various trade negotions within the Vegas area, uses it to pocket modest sums of caps on occasion. The Caravan finds out, then puts a price on Beth's head. She survives an initial hit attempt, then returns to the Omertas for protection.
-(Age 19, Present Year) Beth confesses to the murder of her parents, and discloses everything regarding their shady dealings. This reinforces the 'good riddance' attitude, and Beth is able to utilize the familiar pity play. She claims her dealings with the Caravan were conducted entirely with the intent to leech money from the rival families on The Strip, and offers her entire wealth to the family to reassure them of her devotion. They no longer distrust her.
-Nobody really knows who Beth is anymore. The Crimson Caravan maintains a price on her head, though. So, it's no longer safe to show her face around Vegas. She keeps a low profile within the casino, and only braves Freeside when necessary. The Omertas don't want to be on the Caravan's shitlist, so they publicly deny any continued affiliation with Beth. Her dealings with the family are minimal, and they discretely feed her non-local contracts.
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Post by GuardsGhost on Jul 12, 2015 22:04:01 GMT -5
Something else has to go if you insist on keeping her at nineteen. There are caravaneers who have been working most of their lives for the Caravan, and have never gotten above the rank they joined at. So she either needs an age bump, or something else has to go and more of her time has to have been dedicated to the Crimson Caravan.
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Post by Harrier on Jul 12, 2015 23:59:56 GMT -5
Two years isn't enough? She was never an executive or anything, just a trader. She just went from making smaller sales to selling shipments of supplies, which gives a little more room for embezzling caps. Exactly how much time would you say is necessary for that?
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Post by GuardsGhost on Jul 13, 2015 0:07:47 GMT -5
Again, it comes down to experience. The competition in that market is very fierce. She might be young and seductive, and have a quick tongue, but that's not a substitute for the authority of experience and age. And, the exact thing she does would be something that's forseen in younger employees. We see this in the game. The younger employee's are more likely to be the ones who get manipulated or greedy.
So, she's at 18 for example. Let's say that's a year of working for the Caravan. Why would she have been picked to handle anything larger than the single caravan routes and smaller cargo over say, a forty year old woman who's been running the caravans since she was twenty?
You basically haven't allowed her suitable amount of time to earn trust or experience within the Caravan to warrant a position that would allow embezzling. Keep in mind the woman who's currently running the Mojave Branch. Stuff like that would not slip under her radar. The highest I could see her getting to at that young age would be an assistant to one of the actual traders themselves.
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Post by Harrier on Jul 13, 2015 1:03:58 GMT -5
It doesn't matter that much. I'll just cut the entire Caravan piece from the history and extend the Westside plot. Maybe have her sign on with a small independent caravan instead.
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Post by GuardsGhost on Jul 13, 2015 1:36:36 GMT -5
That would work perfectly then. Sorry if that was troublesome.
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Post by GuardsGhost on Jul 13, 2015 10:42:59 GMT -5
Also, another thing pointed out. This character has a weapon created by an unapproved character. Please change it or wait for the other character to be approved.
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Post by Harrier on Jul 13, 2015 13:01:55 GMT -5
I'll just remove his name and say it was made by a nondescript Gun Runner. Or say it was both designed and manufactured by my already-approved Gun Runner character. Either way, don't think it matters that much. I'll update the profile later today.
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Post by GuardsGhost on Dec 15, 2015 6:25:26 GMT -5
Please post here if you still intend on finishing this character.
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